I was 27. I had a college degree but a low paying job and a part time job and still could barely make ends meet. I met a nice guy, and in two months accidentally got pregnant because we weren't careful. I knew when I got pregnant. I always saw it as my fault. I come from a poor family and am not close to my mother - who would have been happy to see me in such dire straights. My church friends would have abandoned me. I lived in a rooming house. I didn't want to get married - that wasn't an option. He didn't want to get married. He said it was my choice. I knew the moment I thought I was pregnant - when I was late four days - that abortion was the only choice. Still, it was upsetting. The embarrassment over being pregnant, having to hide the fact that I was, hide that I had an abortion. Yet, it was over quickly. I think I had to wait until I was 8 weeks before they would do one, so it was early enough that it wasn't painful. And I had an IV of pain meds, a nice nurse who held my hand, and a kind doctor. I didn't suffer severe pain due to the IV medication. I was tired and bled some afterwards. I rested the next day, then was back to work.

I don't know if he ever told anyone, but I never did, except one boyfriend ten years later, who used it against me when we broke up a few months after we began. I never did that again. Not even my husband knows. Sure, I think about it. I think it was a girl. I sometimes think about the age she would be. But I know I would not have been a good mom. I know the struggle I would have had financially even IF her father had helped. We were together a while and never spoke of it. We ended as friends for years until we both got married to others. I know what I would have missed out on in life had I had a baby. I know the risk of drugs/alcohol/poverty/depression in my family that would have been a risk for her. I'm sorry I had an abortion but I'm far more sorry that I was pregnant. THAT is the shame I carry, that I was stupid enough to have sex without a condom (I had been on and off the pill in my 20s when jobs didn't have health insurance) that ONE time. But I don't regret having an abortion. That's a difference men don't understand.