I had an abortion at 15 years old. I’m now 46 and probably have thought about it and still think about it every day. I do a lot of yoga and recently had a very spiritual experience. Here is my story.

8.12.23
Today I wear all pink.

I know she is a girl. I have always known, I feel it deep inside my soul. I knew I was pregnant months before anyone else knew. I felt her in every part of my body. Putting my hands over my belly and looking in the mirror at 15 years old, so young; a child carrying a baby. Wondering how I would fit into my cheerleading uniform was my first thought when I noticed the tiniest pooch below my belly button. Waiting to see blood every time I went to the bathroom, month after month. It didn’t happen and she grew. I felt her. I am a mother. Worst day of my life seeing her heartbeat on the ultrasound screen and hearing it beat with mine. My mom was at my side, holding my hand as we listened to her heart beat together. The doctor asked if I was ready and understood the consequences of my actions? How the fuck could I then or will I ever understand the consequences of my actions. I stopped her heart. Her heart stopped beating because I made the choice at 15 years old to abort her at 16 weeks gestation. My mom at my side (my dad in the waiting room) allowing me to make this choice. I killed my baby that day and I killed myself and my ability to ever be a mother.

Shame. Regret. Resentment. Blame. Grief. So much grief and pain.

I was 18 and had pelvic pain so bad I’d pass out and wake up on the floor hours later. I had severe endometriosis growing outside my uterus, attacking my ovaries and entire female reproductive system. And my bowels and sacral ligaments. Everything that made me a woman and gave me the ability to create life was attacking me because I took a life. I caused this disease. I tried to get pregnant again years later with fertility drugs with continued miscarriages and finally my body blew up - twisted my ovaries and I had to have a total hysterectomy with no option to save my ovaries. This was my penance, my prison sentence for taking the first life that I created. Penance was mine to feel and I deserved it because I caused it. My body failed because I didn’t protect her. I die every day because she died.

Today in yoga class. My mantra.
I am loved
I am healed
I am ready

Putting my hands to my belly (womb) I feel her heart beat with mine. I do this position daily and today is the first day I feel her. Has she been here the whole time? Or am I just ready to feel her today? She didn’t allow me to say sorry. She said let me go. “I love you, you are deserving, you are worthy and you are my mom. Go be a mom to the ones waiting for you. Have a baby, pursue the surrogacy, find the egg donor, find a surrogate, make the adoption plan. Don’t be scared. Don’t say you are not worthy or that you deserve to be punished. Find a way and make it happen. You are ready. I know you are sorry and I forgive you.”