1992. I literally hitchhiked to my own abortion. My boyfriend and I were in college. Me at University of Montana in Nursing. He was at Montana State in Wildlife Biology. We were both working full time to get through college and fighting fires in the summers for the Forest Service together. I knew him & his family since I was 10 years old and we grew up in the same neighborhood and schools. So I got pregnant out of love and friendship. Remember The Sponge contraceptive? I'm sure there were many Sponge abortions and we were soon to be one of those numbers.

I wanted our baby and had gone to several appointments and started feeling deep attachment and love towards the life inside me. I was scared but excited. Once I told my partner and thought about having a child together, I knew we could do it. But after several weeks, my partner said we needed to meet. We met at the half way point from our colleges at a cheap motel in Butte, MT. He sadly and reluctantly said there was no way he could handle having a baby at that time. The stress was too great, he worried he wouldn't be able to finish college, work full time and raise a child at the same time.

His mind suffered from depression, confusion, blowing up with worry. He wasn't sure he could keep it together and even thought he may take his own life from the stress he could not bare. He was dead honest. He was kind but very serious. I believed him. We decided his life, and our life together needed to wait until life was more stable. We made the decision out of love for all three of us involved, the life inside me included. We wanted his life more.

A few weeks later after college finals, my best friend was driving me from Missoula to Bozeman the early morning of the appointment. I needed both my best friend and partner there to get through the appointment. She was an important friend and support for both my partner and I. But that day around Deerlodge, MT, her old car broke down. Among the cows, cons of the State prison & confused minds of those in the State Psychiatric Hospital all of which are in Deerlodge, two stranded girls both of whom were pregnant, put our thumbs out to hitch a ride to Bozeman. Only one of them to go get an abortion that day.

A semi truck driver picked us up. I was scared to death and relieved for the ride at the same time. It was surreal but so real. At another time, her and i would have been laughing at our bad luck. This time, there was only a somber recognition of a bad situation made worse. Of course there were no cell phones to notify my partner or the clinic that day. We were very late, but the clinic understood and had compassion. That day, we mercifully said goodbye to the light growing inside me. My best friend and I had been excited to be pregnant at the same time and raise our babies together. Instead, she and my partner each held one of my hands during the procedure while we all cried.

It was love and sadness all at the same time. In the days, months and years that followed I would often think of my partner's family and friends who would never know how close they were to losing their son, brother, uncle, and friend to suicide. How our decision saved them life long pain of their own. My sorrow, hurt and loss would be private for years while theirs would never come to be. My partner could go on with his life and dreams.

His parents were ardently and vocally against abortion. But because abortion was an option and legal, they got to keep their own son on this earth instead of me keeping mine. A silent, thankless gift of mercy and love. When I hear people say abortion is selfish, it cuts deep. I know for myself and many women it is one of the most unselfish decisions you can be forced to make. Some of the loss and hurt of our own healed by knowing you saved others that kind of heartbreak instead. Thank you for this opportunity to tell one of my hardest secrets.