1979 Story
“I repeat, I have never had one day of regret.”
Forty-six years ago I had an abortion. The right to a legal abortion was only about six years old and I was the first person I knew who decided to terminate a pregnancy. I have often thought my story was something I wanted to share for several different reasons. I have never regretted my decision, nor have I felt any shame. But it’s also something I have never felt all that free to share and then only with people I really trust. I have found in my experience that the people who have been the most judgmental about my choice to not have children have been other women. That has been incredibly disappointing to me. My choice ended in a very traumatic experience—due to the physical pain I endured, not because I had any regrets. I repeat, I have never had one day of regret. Even my stating that is going to rub some people the wrong way.
I met my first husband of 21 years when I was nearly seventeen. He was 5 years older-it was a mature and lasting relationship. It was a bit of an ordeal to obtain birth control in those days (1971), but I did go on birth control pills before we ever has sex. I have always been a very responsible person. My partner supported me and Planned Parenthood was instrumental in helping me gain access to birth control. After about 3 years, I switched to a diaphragm as “the pill” didn’t really agree with me and the pilIs meant that I would spend a couple weeks a month feeling lousy. The diaphragm was a hassle, but we were consistent. Segue to eight years later—literally the ONE and ONLY time in our life together not using birth control, it resulted in a pregnancy. I’ve had a physician friend opine that that “doesn’t happen”—but I know it does because it happened to me. I am sure people won’t want to believe it, but it’s true—or at least it was for me. Believe me, if I had only known I was so fertile…
For several reasons, I had/have chosen to remain child free (I don’t say “childless” as not having kids does not make me “less than.”) My partner and I agreed. Where I live, as it is now, it was hard to find a provider, but I made an appointment—one that I’d have to miss work for and call in “sick.” The process then was to go in the day before the procedure and have some sort of hard coil made from seaweed put into the cervix to expand it. It was terribly uncomfortable and I was in pain all night and could not sleep. The day of my procedure, as I walked into the waiting area, I saw another woman sitting there. We looked at each other nervously as I’m sure we were both there for the same reason. Abortions were done in the early morning—to help keep it “secret,” I guess. The nurse prepped me and the doctor gave me an injection in my cervix that was supposed to numb the pain, but the injection itself was excruciating. Supposedly numb, as the doctor used his “tools,” the pain I experienced was unbearable. I was writhing in agony. He tried more “numbing,” but it didn’t help at all. The nurse had to hold me down while he finished. In the nearly fifty years since my experience, I’ve had some painful physical issues, but NOTHING compared to what happened to me in 1979. When the doctor was done, I shakily sat up and immediately vomited. He expressed surprise (disbelief?) that I had experienced so much “discomfort.” Over the years I have often wondered if in some way, he was unconsciously punishing me. After my abortion, I learned someone I knew had the procedure done in another state and her experience was completely different from mine. No pain. It’s been the physical pain and “punishing” part that has stayed with me for all these years. I really hope the procedure has changed. I would not want any other woman to have to endure what I did. A reminder: this was a legal abortion in a doctor’s office, not a back alley somewhere.
Over the years, I have often felt I wanted to be someone who was one of the many faces of the different women who have chosen to terminate a pregnancy. My pregnancy was not the result of a one-night stand, but a long-term relationship. My husband and I were together for thirteen more years after the abortion. I think a lot of people, including women, assume it’s because we (women) were promiscuous (not said that about men), or not careful enough that we end up pregnant. I’ve heard more times than I can count that if a woman finds herself pregnant, she should “have” to keep and raise the child, whether she wants to or not. I firmly believe that having a child should not be “punishment” for getting pregnant. A pregnancy that ends in a birth should be wanted and a joy. As I wrote before, the criticism nearly always came from other women. I don’t actually listen to what any man has to say about it. No man has any right at all to judge or criticize. Period. I have heard so many women say that while they support the right to choose for others, it’s not something they would EVER consider for themselves. Stating that, while not realizing how many in their circle have probably had an abortion.
It’s all the things I have heard other women say over the years that has kept me from sharing my experience for so long. It’s a deeply personal decision. But for me, it was the right decision. Over the years, I have learned of many other women I know who decided to terminate a pregnancy and I trust that they did what was right for them. I regret that I have not felt more able to share for fear of judgment, but the older I get, the less I care about being judged. I want women to support other women and the decisions they make about their own bodies and health. I wish it was an ideal world where no woman was ever faced with the decision to end a pregnancy. But it’s not. That’s why I wanted to share my story. I support and trust other women to make their own decisions.
