Himself

“It’s my body going through this, and yet my support is only concerned with himself. ”

I sat with my boyfriend in the clinic waiting room, trying to hide my discomfort. I kept reminding myself “This is just a simple medical procedure. One you believe in and support.” But part of me felt like a failure for accidentally getting pregnant. The only things keeping me grounded were that I had my boyfriend there for support and that I was confident this was ultimately the right choice for both of us – something we both agreed on before I set this appointment. 

I looked over to him for a moment of unspoken care in his eyes. But he suddenly started to cry – really cry – and tell me how it is “unfair” he will never be a father. I crumbled on the inside, suddenly jolted by the realization that the one person who knew this was happening, who was supposed to take me home and support me, was making me feel guilty. I try to remind him of the list of reasons we made this choice while my head swirls with thoughts of how what is unfair is that I’m the one getting an abortion, it’s my body going through this, and yet my support is only concerned with himself. 

When the staff called me back, they apologized that he cannot come back during the procedure. A safety precaution in case I’m being pressured to do this. I almost laugh at the irony, but I also feel relief in that instant. At least if I’m alone for this, I’m actually alone. I don’t remember much of the actual procedure. My thoughts were racing through everyone in my life and if I could have asked them to be my ride home instead. I realized that my friends and I do not talk about such things. I assume we have similar views on this, but I didn't really know. When I sat with a heating pad in the recovery room and my boyfriend was allowed to join me, I felt more alone than ever as I began to wonder how many people I love would think I was a monster, a murderer, for making the right choice to just have a simple medical procedure. 

That was over a decade ago. I never regretted the choice to have an abortion. I don’t shout about my abortion openly to most people because I don’t want one small moment to define me. But I have told a few friends in my life who I feel safe with and have felt the love and support I lacked that day. But most importantly, I make sure that my stance on abortion is openly known so no one has to ever feel that alone.